I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
