I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
