Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
