i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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