did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
