we have pet lesbian snakes
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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