Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
We left an ass print on the piano.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Who died my cat blue again?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
