I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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