My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
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these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
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I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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