my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
