i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Randomize
