How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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