If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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