soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
