So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
