Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
