The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
