New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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