i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
