My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
