We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
