I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
