we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
