Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
