Screwed.edu
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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