I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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