i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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