Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
