I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
