remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
