Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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