I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
