Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
