she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
