My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Your dad touched me again.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
