This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
