just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Randomize