I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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