I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
