I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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