please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
