I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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