If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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