we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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