I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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