i permit you to call me
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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