I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
