You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
