How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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