Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
