see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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