dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
