i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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