Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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