Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
