I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
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