Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
