did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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